an attempt by funny boy, Jon Stewart, was made at flustering and discrediting Stephen Colbert's March to Keep Fear Alive at the Washington Mall this past October 30th. Fortunately, the 200,000+ there (almost triple what Colbert wannabe, Glenn Beck, was able to produce) remained vigilant. Blessed by the omnipotent powers of Father Guido Sarducci, Colbert's Christians soldiers kept fear alive even as Stewart called for sanity, peace and made references to a vast array of other anti-American talking points. In fairness, Stewart, a former soccer player at the European named, William and Mary University, proved to be a formidable opponent. Glibly, he tried using "false equivalency" to tie Beck and other Colbert wannabes like, Sean Hannity, with bleeding hearts like, Keith Olbermann. The Northeastern, Machiavellian trickster continued to hammer away at a common enemy, the national media, and its 24 hour political pundit perpetual-panic-conflictinator, while vainly trying to sway Colbert's wide masses of proud Americans. His anti-MSNBC rhetoric however fell upon deaf ears. The man who once tried humoring Papa Bear, Bill O'Reilly, by dubbing him Fox' voice of reason, only received polite applause from Colbert's crowd. The same base of fear loving, fear mongers who vow to bring America back during this Tuesday's congressional elections.
Coyly, Stewart even tried to mask any reference to the upcoming referendum. Aware of the losses to come, Stewart instead used Tony Bennet (famous for singing about San Francisco love) to sneak in a quick "get out the vote" message. Colbert's audience, who according to recent TV ratings (C-SPAN and Comedy Central aired the event live although National Pussy Radio banned their employees from even attending the patriotic gathering) was estimated at about six billion strong, would not be fooled. Many had already voted online while many more will count on Diebold to cast their votes correctly whether they make it to the polls or not.
Each of Stewart's attempts at hoodwinking the masses was easily refuted by Colbert's vastly superior, Tucker Carlsson-like, relationship with raw and unapologetic truth.
Realizing that even the American flag pattern on his jacket could not help, Stewart turned to army of Hollywood elite to sway the unwilling masses. Aside from Tony Bennett the list included, Sheyrl Crow, the Roots, Cat Stevens and John Legend. And that is where Stewart's attempts began to unravel for all to see. Although lightly entertaining, none of Stewart's backers could match awe inspiring power brought by Colbert's secret guest list which included Kidd Rock and Ozzy Osbourne.
Stewart made some inroads thanks to a performance by the O'Jays but when Stewart himself tried grabbing the mic for a sing along with the classically trained Colbert, he faced his Waterloo. Like Redcoats retreating from the Minutemen, Stewart looked back at his awaiting limo for a safe return to Manhattan.
By then it was too late. No rapper, no scientist (Stewart brought out two, Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman) no Muslim (aside from Stevens, Stewart was also backed by basketball legend, Lew Alcindor) could save the jokester. With Stewart bloodied and on the ropes, Colbert unleashed his ultimate weapon, a beautifully glorious monster named, Fearzilla.
The crowd roared in hungry jubilation as Stewart was about to down in the same type of defeat he faces every time he looks into a mirror. And then Colbert showed his Christian compassion. Known for selfless humility, Colbert pulled in the reigns on his creation. Like Obi-Wan Kanobi (R2-D2 was also in attendance) against Darth Vader, Fearzilla fell on his own sword. Colbert allowed Stewart friend and employee, John Oliver, a European, to save the day for his immigrant hiring employer.
The masses left Washington saddened by the loss of Fearzilla, but more importantly, impacted by its divine action. A divinity which is sure to make the power of fear even stronger this Tuesday! A special thanks must go to former Fear Queen, Arianna Huffington, for assisting with the Colbert march. Her free busses from Citi Field (where Jon Stewart's team make a habit of losing) to DC (where Colbert scored his great victory) made it all possible and for that, she's redeemed herself for any previous lapses of judgment.*
UPDATE - November 3rd, 2010: Last night fear indeed won one for Fearzilla. Martyr in mind, Americans fixed the mistakes of 2006 and 2008 by scoring whopping victories in the House of Representatives, state governorships and cutting into the Democratic stranglehold on the Senate. America is onestep closer to the freedoms enjoyed during the most of the Bush ear.
We regret that after a close struggle, the people of New York could not answer Carl Palladino's call. Finally, our deepest regrets to the people of California who, with the return of Jerry Brown and the reelection Barbara Boxer, could not brake the reigns of tyranny.